assumption is disordered thinking?
The strings I assumed were there made me bleed
I bled into everything
Possible
Or so it seems
Perception is everything
I use to think that everyone was trying to deceive me if they were
Trying to get into my sheets
To be with me romantically
Always an angle
Of ego
Lust
Carnal shit
Little conniving men
I only trusted women
I only trusted nice guys
The webs I wove of string after string
Trying to stay ahead
It’s exhausting
All consuming
My hands were always cut up blistered and bruised
Gushing with heart beats I felt in my ring finger
Constantly
So consumed
Honestly [insert assholes name here]
Fuck you
For teaching me that the only way to keep someone
Was to manipulate them
The way they manipulated you
Did I learn it from you?
I Blame you for many toxic connections… but it turns out
I was hurt and I looked for release
In the wrong places
By men that didn’t like me
Just what my face stood for
I hate that
I hate that I know some people think like that
I hate that I find so many people think
So
Transactionally
A dirty word
I use for heartbrraking atrocities of
Misunderstanding
I hate it
I hate him
I hate myself
Because I wasn’t able to love the one I wanted to marry
properly because of him? maybe
And…
I don’t want to live in La La Land
I want a happy ending
I want
To remember what his real presence is like laying in the grass sometimes
Not just remember his smell
And how I love him
Not just remember the love I have for him
But to finally feel his love for me
I feel like I keep picking up the pieces
And realizing
That I already dropped them
When I was psychotic
How do I recover from psychosis when I let all the pieces drop
I forgot
Entirely
Why I loved him
I convinced myself entirely
That I had to love me more
And to do that
Was to leave
How can I ever… trust
Me.
Or is that just another web I weave?
Is that just a misconception of everything?!?!?
I’m losing reasons to be away from him
And I just wish he was here reading this tonight
Holding my clammy body telling me to stop typing that he is here and that it’s okay
How do I let thoughts of him just leave my brain
How do I let the ti-
How do I let go
It seems almost impossible
Irrational
Like a monkey carving a Christmas tree
I just want to feel free
And open to change
To loving again in a different way
To doing it right and
Not so jaded and fucked up
By that random fucking guy
THAT guy was supposed to be a hookup
THAT guy was only with me because another hookup told me to give him a chance
THAT guy screwed it all up for me
And that guy?
Thinks I’m the villain and that’s the only way he can seem to let himself be able to breathe.
So
I don’t know who’s right or wrong anymore
I just want to stop hurting
Over the same topics and themes and constantly reliving
The simple fact that I am a hurt person that keeps hurting not only me
But everyone around me
That…
I was in a happy relationship
So happy I didn’t know how to comprehend it
And he left me
Over
And over
And over again.
The story repeats once again. Atleast I can see the pattern of them.
He chose to let me make my own way to the hospital bed
How...
I want to ask how dare, how could, how would
But honestly just how
I’m a really great person
I know this now
I love myself
At least a little more now
So thanks for helping me see that
My first real heartbreak with someone I loved
Was harder than…
yeah.