Anti-Transactional Love
This is an opinion piece with plans of turning into a proven academic article, sources supporting most if not all points can be discussed further thru Lola’s email and contact details below. The perspectives Lola carries with her into this article are those of a degree in communications, culture, and sociological references. To further your understanding on any of these topics to continue the conversation further, please reach out to our team at Lola’s home page for more information.
In my life, uniquely throughout the world and the experiences of the addition and brutal revocations of love at times that seems to happen to us all; I feel I have a unique experience from someone who has experienced some semblance of both ends.
Please skip past the next section (the next boldened words) if you don’t want to understand how I understand the culture of transactional love within my own personal context of the United States.
Uniquely in the United States
I believe the United States’ culture is founded in capitalism and not people.
And many other capitalist countries that have built their culture upon capitalist ideals and NOT the ideals of the country. Honestly America never had it’s own culture, it was a “bunch” of people from Britain who wanted more freedom than that country provided, and decided that scamming others out of money for reasons entirely inane and insane were A okay. Like skin color, even the African hegemony that were selling their slaves I assume would have been shocked to find this understanding. Slavery is not a new concept, but it is new in the modern world in terms of creating up an entire new sociological/thought process and way of understanding the world to demonize and other a group using “science” we now know as pseudo science. (Because ofcourse when those in power dictate the credibility of everything, they stay in power) Most people trusted science over many governments and heirarchal systems of oppression, so to use it against the people is actually quite astonishing. Not new. But extremely inhumane. How creative (sarcasm), no wonder they thought they were smart, and now we have american royalty, names I will not mention here, that probably took advantage and feel insurmountable guilt that probably weighs heavier on them than… (Maybe using more triggering language than the word slavery to most of my audience will not be beneficial to this argument) Hopefully.
So we have (according to my humble interpretation of what the United States is founded upon) a bunch of scammers, scamming everybody trying to convince everyone that their scamming is unique to them, and creates ethically sound ways of creating very happy lifestyles for the masses. And this was not entirely unethical to a point, racism, homophobia, and classism and ofcourse ableism still ran rampant in the general publics perspective of how most people felt, for obvious reasons, but for the white people of this time they were finally experiencing a standard of living superior to the poor of most places at this time.
They were some of the first people to be able to be of “poor” descent and be internationally and globally recognized as one of the most impressive peoples according to everyone that liked electricity. (And be recorded so vivaciously and constantly in the history books) So the initial representation of the US was actually really positive to most, because no one was expecting a poor person to be able to showcase their talents and extraordinary abilities to think in such a way that was close to God himself. (ya know at a time when this word held weight) That’s why the inclusion of Edison saying there was lightening involved I assume was quite important to his story and selling point.
(I’m open to this idea being skewed by personal interpretation, I don’t have a degree in history)
So basically now we’re sort of caught up to how everyone viewed the United States, a new form of royalty through ingenius ideas instead of royal bloodlines, and being connected with a higher power seemed more powerful than european monarchy. Basically saying that any persons proven to be connected to a heirarchy could just say they were and quite literally manifest it into existence. A breeding ground for those with any amount of self respect, to become leaders in churches, governing bodies and anything else where they most likely previously were never able to create. (Cue the inception of Mormonism.)
All of a sudden everyone wanted to know what was happening in America. Right? Who knows. And now since the little guy finally came out on top, Hollywood capitalized on this notion. And was really trying to prove that “yes! see! we are just as amazing as the elite!” and it was through the invention of the cinematographé (we can get into this product at a later time and it’s implications I just got out of an entire documentary class that explained the significance) and the ability for the United States to take a global elite stage so quickly (with this new found confidence and yet deep insecurity) we can explain global domination of the world thru the lense of capitalism.
To conclude: The culture of the US was rooted in values of being able to exploit systems of oppression for personal gain, and a belief that this was ethically moral (because if God controls everything they must be the chosen few #manifestdestiny).
Therefore, fighting fire with fire, being anti-british and yet still holding your image of what success and happiness is to the same standards of those who disenfranchised or oppressed you.
As you can see the men were in charge at this point, quite boringly. And their brains thought well, the ultimate life was one lived like the rich, turns out, no one’s actually much more happy after, what was that one study? 100k a year? Which globally (in my humble opinion) is considered upper UPPER middle class. (people tend to forget most peoples are closer to being homeless than being millionaires or billionaires) Most likely this regard of the upper middle class being at 100k a year will be agreed upon in Dubai, probably in most other places rich. Right? So what actually happened was these new “elites” who became indoctrinated with the belief that actually to live as an elite was far superior to living in squalor (or what they called poor, we’re talking barely a roof to their name type of poor, no access to food or water or basic systems that keep people alive). They dreamed of the middle class, a comfortable life at the very least, unexpectedly they found themselves at the other end. Entirely too rich, and entirely too insecure to be middle class, a recipe for dissatisfaction. And destruction.
Anyway what I find most interesting is how this understanding of the world it seems has trickled down to most people in the United States and maybe most severely to those who live in New York and LA. Most of my friends that didn’t grow up with stable families or families who liked each other have an extremely skewed understanding of what a friend is and what a networking opportunity is. (ESPECIALLY in LA, where everyone is always performing for everybody a version of themselves that will sell whatever artform they’re trying to make it “big” in. As a humble country bumpkin who goes to LA often.)
I find myself constantly having to tiptoe around my friends and always I typically imply that they don’t think I don’t have an angle, but more often than not they assume I am their friend for my own personal gain. That may be confusing to read, what I mean is,
everyone assumes if I talk about work or artistic opportunities I have an angle to personally gain from the conversation, that’s odd.
I don’t feel that way more often than not, if I sit down and tell you I need help, you will know I need direct aid and… I have no idea why I have to spell this out for others.
This happens in such an extreme amount all the time in Southern California I find myself exhausted by this transactional nature of friendships, even within romantic relationships and definitions of family that are extremely problematic and used most often to get lonely highschool kids (in my space ofcourse) into sororities to numb the feeling of loneliness.
That’s weird, if you’re my sister, act like one. (Why my short sorority stint ended lol)
Most who go thru disinformation of family, friend, and romantic relationship boundaries and definitions (which honestly these boundaries have always been and is unique to everyone, but I believe many have been specifically created and skewed with the intention to take advantage of the KNOWN epidemic of loneliness in this country) come out the other end extremely exhausted, jaded, and sad.
In general.
The state of mental health in this country is a sad excuse of an existence in my opinion, as someone who has lived thru this horrendous state of never getting my basic needs of friendship met (which it doesn’t seem I am alone in). Simply by growing up in an area I didn’t have easy access to my friends in person, even tho I was connected to them deeply digitally. There is no replacement for a child growing up to be physically social with others.
The basic needs of friendship according to…
honestly I googled it and this may be more helpful, if you don’t think you intrinsically need friends here’s a bunch of psychologists that disagree. Infact all psychologists I’ve ever spoken with disagree with that notion.
It’s a weird american phenomena (in my opinion) that many feel they shouldn’t trust anyone besides themselves, that they can never lean on others without feeling guilty, even if they are at the point of suicidal tendencies.
SO
Why did we think we were happier being apart from everything? Having to pay gas to exist, more recently looking on LA experience/venue promoters on instagram, paying entrance fee’s to places that typically would/should be free. (And honestly just to rant at this point, it’s already hard to find parking that is not under $20 in downtown LA and especially for those who are not local, this feels extremely classist and extremely problematic that those who struggle to feel secure in paying for anything feel left out of venues that don’t offer anything different that just hanging with your friends. I find it rather disgusting. Anyway back to the article)
I believe we didn’t always think that people were irrelevant to our mental health or well being, we were sold that.
We were sold in the fifties the idea of a white picket fence, of so much land that we could feel “rich” and so much distance between others we’d never have to worry about them anymore.
Great now we literally don’t worry about others, and everyone’s miserable.
And then (as someone who got a degree in media) the media decided to instill a deep sense of fear of strangers, every single time we open the news, it’s why some places literally don’t lock their doors. If someone wanted to kill you, you’d probably be dead by now. Fear of others is not natural or normal.
Capitalism exploits any chance it can to make money off of you and I.
And then to have it normalized into the culture of media making and designing national news? Actually disgusting too.
Por ejemplo,
If you lived in a community when you were short on gas and people trusted you (and you trusted them), you would be able to ask for a phew dollars and not feel like they owed you anything. Not feel guilty.
Many feel they don’t fit this image of extreme capitalism, or disconnection, but do you feel comfortable asking a stranger for money?
No, because we are taught that, that is begging, and is only going to hurt others if we give to them. What kind of fucked up societal picture is that? Eugh.
In Spain many cultures are similar to this, many will not simply give money to those that down live in their towns, or are spanish, or feel different to them or if they have internalized racism or classism yeah sure this becomes problematic. But they will gladly give a phew bucks to their gas station attendant if they share the same heritage.
News flash this logic doesn’t track anymore, everyone who lives in north america is an immigrant from a different place. Right? Unless you live in reserve, and understand interconnectivity or the basics of exclusionary behavior. So as an immigrant to this country, and not a christian, I am not “in” the group of the populace. How I use to think because of this:
“I can not trust my neighbor, I can not trust anyone to look at me the same if I ask them for anything if we are not best friends, if we are not family, if we are not cut from the same cloth”
Sorry but not trusting anybody is extremely problematic. Okay so we now know that serial killers are running rampant, all the time we keep getting this put in our head. Okay great, so why are any of us still alive then? We know, even if we don’t know, that the most executed peoples are native, african descent, transgender, or those who are othered and ostracized. So do you fit in that category? Do you fear your life for normal reasons?
Dis-interconnectivity, or ya know the opposite of interconnectivity, is a capitalist value and in its extreme is a sad existence.
So many interesting topics to explore about the nature of transactional love I am beginning to get too side tracked here, and I hope the next valentines day you don’t put more pressure on your partner to celebrate you, when it’s not your anniversary as a couple, a societal expectation that chooses to drain your bank account more.
How cute.
I could rant on forever honestly.
Most people understand this concept but to apply it in our lives and see how literally radical it is globally… seems irrelevant to most. It is so important to me.
Anyway
celebrate love, yourself, your friends
(more than the romantic because to be quite honest it’s weird how capitalistic cultures put romantic relationships above EVERYTHING, especially in your twenties when marriage isn’t that important to anyone’s well being unless you’re insecure about finding a life partner.)
with actual care for my reader not some fake semblance of it,
Lola
P.S.
A quick google search from a search engine that personalizes your input based on which party you seem to learn towards and how you like your eggs in the morning:
Transactional love is…
“Transactional love refers to love that is based on an exchange of goods or services, such as a transaction between a customer and a business. In this type of relationship, love is contingent on what each party can offer the other, and there may be a sense of keeping score or owing something in return”
And from reddit as of the date of which I have written this:
“A gift is only a gift if it is given freely with no expectation of a return - otherwise it’s a debt”
(Top commentor of this post named at time of viewing frumbledown)
P.P.S.
many religions teach of anti-transactional love, most obviously Jehovah’s Witnesses with never wanting birthday gifts at a party, and in my own philosophical basis in Buddhism and my “religious” ties to it. If you’d like more clarification feel free to reach out.